How often have you set out to make “big changes” as a leader and person, only to feel deflated and defeated, realizing that you’re still, well…you? Here is a healthier, more realistic way to frame your development that my coaching clients say removes several barriers to making the progress they want to experience.
Recently, a physician-leader coaching client (Lydia) expressed some frustration with the work I challenged her with. Without getting into details, we were introduced because she needed to make some important changes in her behavior, at least according to top leadership in the hospital system. Meaning, this was ‘forced coaching’ and not something she chose voluntarily. I refer to coaching assignments like these as “saves,” because the leader typically needs a path to save themselves from themselves, and in Lydia’s case, her job was on the line. These are challenging but usually among the most rewarding coaching relationships.
As a physician-leader, Lydia still carries a patient load to keep her surgery skills sharp. She is an outstanding physician and patients give top ratings regarding both treatment outcomes and her bedside manner. Staff are generally loyal, work hard, and some of them seem to like working in her practice. So what’s the issue? At times, she says things to or around staff that really shouldn’t be said in the workplace, and not everyone is willing to put up with it in exchange for the good parts of Lydia. I really don’t think she is ill-intended, but she doesn’t seem to understand the impact that her sarcastic jokes, complaining about people not present, and biting comments can have on others. She thinks she’s quite funny and just part of the crew like everyone else!
Several younger-generation staff members were having none of her “humor” and spoke up, leading other staff members to do so as well. During an early coaching session, Lydia commented, “I guess I get why people want me to change. I don’t mean to hurt others’ feelings. But I want to be myself and don’t want to lose my edge. I think of myself as no different than anyone else on the team and think I should be able to just be who I am.”
I responded: “I get it. Here’s the thing: We’re having this conversation right now because your edge is cutting other people and it is also cutting you. You’re the most powerful person in the room in most situations, and not at all “one of the crew”–your impact on others is magnified by your role and you have a responsibility to be mindful and intentional about that impact. You’re just now realizing what other people have known about you for a long time. That said, I don’t think you need to change who you are. However, I do think that you need to grow more complex.”
To suggest that you or someone else “needs to change” implies that there is something inherently wrong with you or that other person. For the vast majority of the population, there isn’t anything wrong with “who they are.” Most of us at least have good intentions. When things go sideways, it’s often because the leader’s current thinking, feeling, and behavioral options and patterns are too limited or not the right ‘fit’ for their leadership situation. In a very real way, their current level of complexity is outmatched by what the situation demands. And as a result, their leadership impact often doesn’t match their values and intentions, much less the needs of those that they lead. And it is the responsibility of the next-level leader to flex to the needs of their team, not the reverse.
“Leadership development” is inseparable from growing as a person in all facets of our lives and I think is best approached with that in mind. (I’ve received a fair share of ‘thank you’ cards, calls, and emails from coachee significant others.) As we age, our world and the challenges we face become more complex, and ideally, so do we so that we have the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral options to successfully meet those challenges. We wouldn’t expect a teenager to have developed the complexity necessary to run a hospital, for example, yet how many adults are actually able to meet that challenge simply because they’ve aged?
Age and experience do not guarantee that a person has grown complex enough to effectively meet the needs of their current or desired leadership responsibilities (cf. “The Peter Principle”). And like it or not, the world does not wait for us to grow more complex. It is up to us to continually self-reflect, own our behavior and its impact on others, accept ourselves for where we are on our leadership journey, and choose to take positive action toward growing new options to choose from. The great psychologist, Carl Rogers, said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Through some guided self-reflection, Lydia realized that she has been using the same interpersonal strategies (sarcasm, biting comments, pushing the limits) since college (she’s now 45). Much of her interpersonal behavior remained the same while her leadership situation-and life-became more complex.
Why? Perhaps Lydia’s internal and external ‘bubble’ continually reinforced the same routinized behavior at home, in social situations, and at work. As a side note, I often find this to be true of individuals who are used to being unquestioned or unchallenged for whatever reason, often owing to their position in society and organizations. Physicians in western culture are one example. She was blissfully unaware of the impact that her choices had on others, and it took a significant intervention to help her see what was going on. In a very real sense, her positionality and “who she is” shielded her from understanding the true complexity of her situation and the impact that she was having on those around her.
What kind of insights might you have if your ‘bubble’ suddenly burst? What might you be blissfully unaware of? Have you ever been given some tough critical feedback and you rejected it versus owned it? What do you need to accept about yourself that you don’t want to? What are you doing to intentionally grow more complex by developing new thinking, emotional, and behavioral options to choose from?
Own Your Leader Impact
Tom
Leadership Is (a) Practice 